McSweeney's List: Secure Website Authentification Questions

What is your mother's maiden name?

What is your older sister's favorite Monopoly game piece?

Who did your paternal grandfather vote for in the 1956 presidential election?

Why did you choose a liberal-arts degree when your entire family urged you to go into finance?

In what year did you begin working on your novel?

How many weeks away was graduation when you dropped out of college?

What was your score on the civil-service employment exam?

Where were you sitting when your girlfriend told you she was pregnant?

Where did you never end up going for your honeymoon?

In what year did you begin working for the post office?

What is the name of the hedge-fund manager your ex-wife married?

How many hours did it take you to drink that bottle of Jack Daniel's yesterday?

What time was it when, in a drunken rage, you threw your novel into the fire?

If you could do it all over again, what would you do differently?

New Food Review: Stagg Chili's Classic Chili With Beans

Originally appeared in "New Food Reviews" on McSweeney's Internet Tendency.

Safeway has it on sale this month: 10 cans for $10. I consider simply getting five for $5 or even one for $1. They'll let you do that at Safeway. Instead, I put the Tofutti Cuties back in the freezer and load up on the full 10. In the pot, Stagg Chili's Classic Chili With Beans retains the shape of the can—a monolith of beans and rust-colored gravy that looks suspiciously like dog food—until I demolish it with my spoon. I am reminded of The Electric Company's cartoon parody of the giant black slab from 2001: A Space Odyssey. An hour later I come down with a fierce gas attack. One down, nine to go.

New Food Review: Coke and Milk

Originally appeared in "New Food Reviews" on McSweeney's Internet Tendency

Shirley drank this when she was depressed. Or was it Laverne? Pour one part Coke into half a glass of milk. Stir lightly and watch the puffy white cumulus clouds of milk deliquesce into a beige ready-to-drink nimbus. Enjoy. I haven't thought of Coke and milk for years, and then my friend Aimee got to talking about that movie Best in Show, which has the guy who played Lenny from Laverne & Shirley in it, which made me think, "I should pour myself an ice-cold glass of Coke and milk." I remember liking the concoction, and being at an age when I took pleasure in eating (or drinking) foods that other people thought were weird. I think the age was 13. It tasted like cream soda, except that the "cream" was 2 percent milk, and the "soda" was Coke. Sort of a motherly hug of milk followed by a fatherly smack of Classic (before they called it that) Coke.