New Food Review: Stagg Chili's Classic Chili With Beans

Originally appeared in "New Food Reviews" on McSweeney's Internet Tendency.

Safeway has it on sale this month: 10 cans for $10. I consider simply getting five for $5 or even one for $1. They'll let you do that at Safeway. Instead, I put the Tofutti Cuties back in the freezer and load up on the full 10. In the pot, Stagg Chili's Classic Chili With Beans retains the shape of the can—a monolith of beans and rust-colored gravy that looks suspiciously like dog food—until I demolish it with my spoon. I am reminded of The Electric Company's cartoon parody of the giant black slab from 2001: A Space Odyssey. An hour later I come down with a fierce gas attack. One down, nine to go.

New Food Review: Coke and Milk

Originally appeared in "New Food Reviews" on McSweeney's Internet Tendency

Shirley drank this when she was depressed. Or was it Laverne? Pour one part Coke into half a glass of milk. Stir lightly and watch the puffy white cumulus clouds of milk deliquesce into a beige ready-to-drink nimbus. Enjoy. I haven't thought of Coke and milk for years, and then my friend Aimee got to talking about that movie Best in Show, which has the guy who played Lenny from Laverne & Shirley in it, which made me think, "I should pour myself an ice-cold glass of Coke and milk." I remember liking the concoction, and being at an age when I took pleasure in eating (or drinking) foods that other people thought were weird. I think the age was 13. It tasted like cream soda, except that the "cream" was 2 percent milk, and the "soda" was Coke. Sort of a motherly hug of milk followed by a fatherly smack of Classic (before they called it that) Coke.